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The Lighter Side of Bands


The Archetypal Brass Band

  1 Eb Soprano cornet: too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band.
1 Principal cornet: conceited, uses too much vibrato.
1 Second man down or bumper upper: either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
1 Third man down: loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
1 Fourth man down: like third man down, only louder and thicker!
1 Repiano cornet: waiting for a chance to play principal.
2 2nd cornets: hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
2 3rd cornets: loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
1 Flugelhorn: plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
1 Solo horn: usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
2 Tenor horns: can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
1st Baritone: useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone: even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 Euphoniums: show-off and trainee show-off
1 1st trombone: steam driven. Rasps most of the time
1 2nd trombone: sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
1 Bass trombone: chainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb basses: look like two drunken farts
2 Bb basses: sound like two drunken farts
Percussion: Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor: o devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good!

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